The Connection Corner: An Alternative To The Shame Hook

Today we are going to talk about the use of the ” attachment corner” with your children, which is an alternative to the “hook of shame”. The technique used to send a child to a corner so they can reflect on what they have done has become very popular thanks to the Super Nanny program . So let’s learn more about the connection corner .

The idea of ​​a shame hook is of course nothing new. But before the popular reality show, the technique was used exclusively as a form of punishment. The original idea was that the child should feel bad about something he or she had done.

Of course, a child of 1 or 2 years will not make any deep reflections. When you send a small child into the corner of shame, he will only understand that he has done something wrong and his parents do not want to have him around. Of course, this is not the result that parents are looking for.

The child may even come to the conclusion that since she has done something wrong, the parents no longer love her. Dots. When we use isolation as a form of punishment, we send a message of conditioned love. I love you if you behave properly. When children receive this message, they begin to feel insecure.

It’s not about punishment

Therefore, when you punish them, you often punish them for something they can not actually control. This evokes feelings of frustration. Instead of focusing on his behavior, your child will focus his attention on your reaction.

If the hook of shame works, it’s because your child wants your love and recognition more than anything else. And of course, because your child has some sort of control over his actions. If not, then the hook of shame will not work at all.

But, are you really uncomfortable using your love as a prize? Do you really want your child to believe that she deserves your love? Shouldn’t she know she’s loved just because she’s been born?

Of course, we want our children to know that our love is continuous, stable, eternal, and unbreakable. It is the kind of love that defines a healthy parent-child relationship.

There is another option that allows the child to regain control, think about his actions and find alternatives. And all of this will be based on the unconditional love of her parents.

The connection corner

The attachment corner is based on being able to realize when a child needs to regain control and get him out of the situation he is in. That, of course, is also the purpose of the hook of shame. The difference with the attachment corner is that your child will reflect while being held in the company of a parent or other adult.

The corner of affiliation is in a way similar to the “peace table”, which is a popular tool that pertains to the Montessori philosophy. But the peace table is a place that the child visits voluntarily. In addition, the child can decide whether he wants company or not.

But with the attachment table, it is usually the adult who decides the need, and the child is always accompanied.

Another difference is that the peace table is usually a physical place such as a table, as the name indicates. It can also be a box or a bench that is placed in a quiet place in the home. But the “connection corner” does not have to be a specific place.

The attachment corner can be a bench in a park, a bed, the backyard or any place you find suitable at the time. The attachment corner can be a place where you and your child can do an activity together that will help you both cool down.

What types of activities can be performed in the connection corner?

It can be anything you can think of, as long as it is an activity that helps your child regain self-control.

We suggest that you tell your child stories, draw, tear paper into small pieces, jump, shout, run fast, take deep breaths, look at leaves on the trees, make your child listen to your heartbeat, drink water, eat, etc.

As you can see, there are many options.

When your child has calmed down and you can see that she has regained control herself, you can talk about what has happened. Be sure to use neutral language without making any accusations. 

You can talk about ways she can react differently in the future. You can also try to get your child to suggest ways she can do well again if this is possible.

Why is this option better than the hook of shame?

First, it is because it is not based on isolation or excluding the child from the adults he trusts. Secondly, it is because, it provides tools that help your child control his emotions and think about his behavior. And he does all this while being protected and strengthened by his mother, father or another close and trusted adult.